My Name is E

My name is E. I am 25 years old and a recovering addict. This is my Diary. I will tell my story in no particular order. My mind is all over the place and to be honest, I do not know where to begin. Should you continue reading, I have to warn you that there will be a lot of things that may disturb you. I am not a good person ... yet. I hope to be one someday. If you don't like what you read, feel free to stop reading. I will not be using the real names of my so-called "friends", clients, or hook up buddies to protect their identity and of course, to protect my ass from getting sued. I am not here to talk dirt on people or to convince addicts to stay away from drugs. Like i said earlier, this is my diary, i'm just here to tell my story. If I offend anyone, I'd like to apologize in advance.



LOOKING WAY BACK



I started drinking at the age of 13. I was 14 when I started smoking cigarettes. My first ever drug experience was when I was 15. I can remember asking my cousin to buy a small bag of cannabis and we smoked it at a park in the wee hours of the night. I didn't really like it. It made me woozy and I was waiting for the pleasant trip to kick in but it never came. I pretended to love it to look cool. I then went on to experiment with cough syrups. I forgot the brand but I can remember that there were a number of flavors to chose from. My favorite was cola. At that time I wasn't really thinking of the consequences; I was just having fun. I couldn't blame anyone for it. I was fully aware that it is bad yet I didn't care. As much as I wanted to blame anyone for my drug abuse I just can't. I remember at the age of four my aunt telling me that I am responsible for my own actions. I can't even spell the word responsible yet. Everytime I drop my food off the table she would make me eat it off the floor. She then tells me that "sorry" means nothing to her. I grew up believing this way and this made an impact on me.

Anyway, I always wanted to have fun. I would gatecrash on birthday parties, hang out with strangers, go to bars and meet people. My motto was to live life to the fullest, experience everything and refuse nothing without trying it first. I always say to people that when I grow old and ugly I want to look back and say that I had a good run. I partied like there's no tomorrow and I have seen everything. I didn't know that seeing everything could make me suicidal.



THE ART OF CLIMBING UP THE DRUG SCENE



Climbing your way up the drug scene is harder than than you think it is. You have to let the underground junkie know that you have arrived but not too obvious that you will be an easy target for a drug bust (set up). You also have to be loaded with cash and have the three important connections: police, dealer, and so called eventologists. Police: so that If ever you get busted, you don't go to jail. Dealer: to supply you with drugs, of course. And eventologist: to get into bars and events for free. Now, most people in Manila are not born influential or rich (or both) so what do you do? You join a clique! How do you join a clique, you may ask? You pretend and make a damn good impression! How exactly do you do it? Well, some would kiss ass, but for me I developed a more effective but not efficient way to get into a clique faster than you can snort cocaine. First, I'd find out who heads the clique. I make it certain I am their best fuck ever. Early on in my life I learned how to use what have to my advantage. In my case, looks and sex is all I have. I am not rich. I didn't have connections and I didn't have a dealer. So I allow myself to be someone's bitch as long as I get free drugs out of them. I did that for some time. I hopped from one clique to another. I have to. I cannot over expose myself to a clique before they call my bluff and find out that I'm using their "leader" to get freebies. I told you. I'm not a good person. I'm a scumbag. But at that time, I was in heaven. I used people. Playing with their mind and getting exactly what I want from them is also like a drug to me. The attention, the pampering, the freebies. I thought I was living the Pinoy dream. Everything changed when a clique finally noticed me. I've been hearing a lot about them, they are way underground. You won't see them in bars or events. They're not as loud or as rich as the gucci gang but they're the clique I was very much intrigued. They are the "CLAN".